Working with your child's school
Meeting preparation, changing the language schools use about your child, and protecting yourself in the process.
Symptoms, not character flaws
Schools routinely mistake ADHD symptoms for moral failings. Reports describe hyperactivity and inattention as if they were flaws in a child's character. They aren't. They are core symptoms of a neurological difference.
The language we use about young people changes lives. This guide is about how to work with school so that the adults around your child see what's really going on, and how to look after yourself while you do it.
Preparing for the meeting
Start from collaboration, not confrontation.
Teachers chose this job because they care. Most are overwhelmed too. Going in as a team gets further than going in for a fight.
Document everything.
How long homework really takes, where the breaking points are, and what support has worked. Specifics are much harder to brush aside than a general sense that things are hard.
Request meetings in writing.
An email gives you a record of what you asked for and when.
Frame requests around what's worked.
"We've seen real progress when he gets visual reminders" lands better than a list of what the school is getting wrong.
A school meeting can go by in a blur, especially when it's about your own child. A little preparation means you come away with something agreed, not just a feeling:
- Ask who will be there, and whether the SENCo can join.
- Pick the two or three things that matter most and write them down. You won't fix everything in one meeting.
- Ask your child what they'd want school to know, and what would make the biggest difference to them.
- Bring your notes: real examples, dates, how long homework actually takes.
- Take someone with you if you can, even if it's just to write things down.
- Before you leave, agree what will happen, who is doing it, and when you'll check in again.
- Afterwards, send a short email summing up what was agreed. It keeps everyone on the same page.
What to share with teachers
Teachers see one part of the picture. Fill in the rest:
- How long homework actually takes your child.
- What their breaking points are.
- The things they won't say in class, because they're scared of hearing "try harder" or "where are your papers?"
- That "extra help" can be terrifying. When a young person is overwhelmed, they often don't know what question to ask.
The most powerful question a teacher can ask is “How do you learn best?”* One student said that single question changed how he saw himself, because it told him: I see you, I care, we're a team. If nobody has asked your child yet, it's worth suggesting.
Changing the language
At home, at school, and in the meeting room.
Words to stop using
- Naughty, bad, problem, difficult, defiant, lazy, disrespectful
- "Not living up to potential"
- "What's wrong with you?"
Words to start using
- Struggling, finding it hard, trying their best, needing support
- "What do you need from me?"
- "How hard are you trying?" (They'll tell you: very.)
Why the words matter
“Naughty” and “bad” get absorbed as identity. “Struggling” and “needing support” put the problem outside the child: it's the situation that is hard, not who they are.
A four-year-old who is called naughty by a teacher will still remember it at forty.
The same trait, in the right place
Many of the things that get a young person into trouble at school are assets somewhere else.
Look for places where these traits count in their favour: drama clubs, filmmaking, debate, sport, adventure activities or a group built around a special interest. There's more in The strengths that come with ADHD.
Tools without context are just noise
Handing a child a fidget isn't enough on its own. They need to understand why it helps their brain. Teach them the difference:
- Primary focus is what you're supposed to be paying attention to.
- Secondary focus is the fidget that helps you stay regulated.
- If the fidget becomes the primary focus, because you're looking at it or playing with it, it's now a toy.
It's worth sharing this with school too, so everyone is using the same explanation.
Building a circle of support
Supporting the child alone isn't enough. Everyone around them needs to shift their lens. Parents need to understand what they don't yet understand. Teachers need to see past behaviour to executive function. When the adults understand the social and emotional impact of ADHD on learning, everything changes.
Notice
Notice what they're doing right, and get granular. "I noticed you sat and looked at that problem for a while."
Name
Name it specifically. Not generic praise, but the actual thing you saw.
Nurture
Nurture it with warmth. "Good for you. I'm sure that was hard."
The bracelet trick*
Put ten bracelets on one wrist. Each time you notice and comment on something positive, move one to the other wrist. It shows you whether you're noticing enough. What you pay attention to grows.
What really builds resilience
Resilience grows from three things:
Opportunities.
Chances to try, to fail, and to grow.
High expectations, paired with belief and support.
"I know you can do this, and I'm here to help."
Caring relationships.
At least one adult who genuinely believes in them.
Berating or humiliating a young person doesn't build resilience. That's a myth. If a boss treated an employee the way some adults treat 14-year-olds, we'd call it harassment. When trusted adults with power are cruel, children come to believe they deserved it.
The good news is that one adult can change everything. When one adult finally “gets it”, children relax. They stop bracing for rejection and start reaching for possibility. That adult might be you, a teacher, or both.
Protecting yourself in the process
One researcher, who has ADHD himself, followed mothers through their child's ADHD assessment for two years as part of his PhD.* He found three patterns. You may recognise yourself in one, or in all three on different days.
The informed mother
- Reads the research and the policies, listens to podcasts, goes to conferences.
- Knows her rights and what neurodivergence means.
- Some work inside the system, as nurses, teachers or psychologists, and use that position.
- Speaks to professionals as an equal, not from below.
Most likely to be taken seriously and get needs met.
The heroic mother
- Fights for her children and puts herself in the firing line.
- Accepts being labelled "problematic" or "gobby" because someone has to be the hero.
- Plays down her own emotions in appointments so she isn't seen as "histrionic".
- Shows real strength, but it's exhausting. Nobody feels heroic every day.
Empowering, but a heavy load to carry.
The worn-down mother
- May have started out heroic, until the system wore her down.
- Has been told by a GP "maybe it's your fault", or had her parenting questioned by school.
- Has lost career opportunities, gone part-time or lost income.
- Has lost part of her identity, and become known only as her child's mum.
- If she has ADHD herself, may feel guilty: "I gave my child this."
Needs support from the system, not blame.
How you see your own neurodivergence shapes everything. Mothers who saw their own ADHD as an enemy felt more guilt about their child's diagnosis. Mothers who were proud of being neurodivergent celebrated having a “quirky family”.
Being the one who always fights is exhausting, and being worn down by it is not a personal failing. There's more on looking after yourself in our parent self-care guide.
* The three patterns come from Dr Tom Nicholson's PhD research. “How do you learn best?” and the bracelet trick are adapted from Cindy Goldrich. Both were shared at the ADHD Parenting Summit 2026.
You don't have to do this on your own
I work with young people and support parents, including getting ready for school meetings and finding the words that help. I'm a coach, not a clinician, so I can't diagnose. What I can do is help you make sense of what you're seeing and plan your next step with school.
School telling you everything's fine? Read When school doesn't see what you see.
If you're worried about your child's safety, wellbeing or mental health, or your own, please speak to your GP.
Abby Parkes ADHD Coaching & Support · adhdcoachingandsupport.co.uk