When school doesn't see what you see
Seeing a very different child at home to the one school describes? Why it happens, why it matters, and what you can do about it.
Seeing a different child at home?
You fill in the forms and describe a child who can't sit through a meal, loses the thread of getting dressed, and doesn't stop moving or talking from the moment they wake up. Then the school's forms come back: no real concerns.
It's easy to start doubting yourself. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your parenting. Maybe you're seeing something that isn't there.
You're probably not. Both of you can be describing the same child accurately. School and home are simply seeing different sides of them.
I've filled in these forms for my own children, so I know how unsettling that mismatch feels. This page explains why it happens, why it matters, and what you can do about it.
Why a child can seem fine at school
School is structured
There are bells, routines, clear expectations and other children to follow. Structure does a lot of the work that an ADHD brain finds hard to do on its own. Home is looser, so the difficulties show.
Holding it together takes effort
Many children work incredibly hard to keep it together all day. It costs them energy that nobody sees. When they get home, somewhere they feel safe, it all comes out. This is sometimes called after-school restraint collapse, and it's a sign of how hard they've been working, not of anything you're doing wrong. There's more on this in After school: what actually helps.
Quiet struggles don't get noticed
A child who is well behaved, likeable and keeping up doesn't prompt anyone to look closer. Daydreaming, zoning out, rushing work or quietly not starting it can all pass as fine. This is one of the reasons girls, and children with the inattentive side of ADHD, are so often missed.
Teachers see a snapshot
They see your child in one setting, for part of the day, often alongside plenty of other children. You see them first thing in the morning, at bedtime, in the holidays and on the bad days. Neither view is wrong. They are different views.
Masking
Some children become very good at watching what everyone else is doing and copying it. They look like they're coping. Underneath, they're working twice as hard to get to the same place. There's more on this in When the mask says everything's fine.
Why it matters
If your child is being assessed for ADHD, the assessor will be looking for signs across more than one part of their life, such as home and school. That is a normal part of how ADHD is assessed.
So when a school report comes back with very little on it, it can make the picture look milder than it is, and in some cases it can slow things down. That is why it's worth understanding the mismatch before the forms go in, not after.
A mild school report doesn't mean there's nothing there. It means school isn't seeing it, or isn't seeing it as a problem. Those are not the same thing.
Before you fill in your forms
Use real examples, not adjectives.
"Very fidgety" tells an assessor very little. "Gets up from the table at every single meal, to see the dog, get a drink or go to the loo" tells them a great deal. Aim for what happened, how often, and what it looked like.
Keep a diary for a couple of weeks.
Jot down the moments as they happen: the morning routine, homework, mealtimes, bedtime. Patterns you've stopped noticing because they're normal in your house will jump out.
Describe the invisible work you do.
If things at home look calm because you prompt, remind, plan ahead, avoid triggers and step in early, say so. That management is often constant, and it can make a child's difficulties look much smaller on paper than they are.
Don't play it down.
It's natural to want to show your child in a good light. The forms are the place to be honest about the hard days as well as the good ones. There's a separate space for strengths, so use that too.
If you have ADHD in the family, mention it.
It's relevant, and assessors will want to know.
Talking to school
Most teachers want to help. The trick is asking the right questions, because “are there any problems?” will usually get the answer “no”.
Ask about specific things instead. For example:
- How long does it take them to settle and get started on a task?
- Do they finish their work, or leave it incomplete?
- Do they fidget, move around or need reasons to get up?
- Do they drift off, or need things repeated?
- What are they like at less structured times, such as break, lunch or changing between lessons?
- Do they rely on watching other children to know what to do?
- How do they manage their equipment, homework and deadlines?
Share what you see at home. A teacher who knows a child is exhausted and dysregulated every evening may look at their day differently.
Ask that the school form reflects what they actually observe, including small things, rather than only what they would call a concern.
If the school report still comes back mild
That's okay, and it's common. It doesn't cancel out what you've described.
- Make sure your own forms carry the detail. Your examples matter.
- If there's space for extra information, explain that your child presents very differently at school and at home, and give an example of each.
- If you're offered a conversation with the assessor, raise it there too.
You don't have to wait for a diagnosis
Assessments can take a long time. Understanding how your child's brain works, and what helps, can start now.
I work with young people and support parents through exactly this, whether you're at the start of wondering, in the middle of an assessment, or somewhere after. I'm a coach, not a clinician, so I can't tell you whether your child has ADHD. What I can do is help you make sense of what you're seeing and what might help at home.
New to all this? Start with Understanding your child's ADHD.
If you're worried about your child's safety, wellbeing or mental health, please speak to your GP.
Abby Parkes ADHD Coaching & Support · adhdcoachingandsupport.co.uk