When “don't worry” isn't enough
Helping your child with anxiety, for parents of young people with ADHD.
Why reassurance doesn't last
When a child we love is frightened, “don't worry” is the first thing out of our mouths. Then come the reassurances: “it'll be fine”, “nobody's going to laugh at you”, “I promise nothing bad will happen”. It comes from love, and it often helps for about ten minutes.
Then the worry comes back, often bigger, and the same question gets asked again. And again.
That isn't because you said it wrong. Reassurance works like a painkiller: it takes the edge off, but it doesn't touch the cause. Each time the answer has to come from you, your child learns a little more that they can't settle the worry on their own. So they need you more next time, and the worry grows.
The goal isn't to make the worry go away. It's to help your child learn they can cope with it.
Why ADHD and anxiety so often go together
Anxiety is very common alongside ADHD, and there are some clear reasons why:
Years of getting it "wrong".
Forgotten homework, missed instructions, being told off for things they didn't mean to do. A brain that has been caught out a lot learns to stay on high alert.
Big feelings, turned up loud.
ADHD brains feel emotions harder and take longer to come back to calm. A small worry can go from 2 to 10 very fast.
Rejection sensitivity.
Many young people with ADHD feel criticism or possible rejection very sharply, so social worries can be intense.
Not knowing what's coming.
Time blindness and working memory difficulties make the future feel foggy, and foggy feels unsafe. Change and uncertainty hit hard.
Masking.
Holding it together all day at school takes a lot of energy, and the worry often comes out at home, where it's safe.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what's ADHD and what's anxiety. Not starting homework might be a focus thing, or it might be fear of getting it wrong. It's worth getting curious rather than guessing.
Three things worth knowing
Worry lives in the body first
Before a child can tell you they're worried, their body already knows: tummy aches, feeling sick, a tight chest, not being able to sit still, headaches before school. Many young people don't have the word "anxious". They just know they feel ill.
Avoidance feeds anxiety
Every time we help a child skip the scary thing, the relief is instant, and the brain files it as "that was dangerous, well done for escaping". Next time, the fear is a little bigger.
Families end up living around the worry
Without meaning to, most of us start adjusting everything: answering the same question ten times, ordering for them in cafés, sleeping in their room, avoiding places, keeping the phone on in case they call. Researchers call this accommodation. It's done out of love, and it's completely understandable. It also keeps the anxiety in charge.
What a worried child needs to hear
“I understand this is really hard.”
“I believe you can cope.”
Understanding on its own keeps them stuck. Confidence on its own feels like being dismissed. Together, they give the child courage.
What you can do
1.Swap reassurance for "I get it, and you can do this".
Instead of "don't worry, it'll be fine", try:
- "This feels really scary, and I know you can handle it."
- "It makes sense that you're worried. I've seen you do hard things before."
- "You don't have to feel ready. You just have to take the next small step."
2.Answer once, then stop.
If the same question keeps coming, answer it properly once. After that: "You already know what I think. What does your brain tell you?" Warn them first that you're going to do this, and why. It will feel hard for both of you at the start.
3.Start with the body.
When worry is high, thinking comes second. Help them notice where they feel it and settle the body first: slow breathing out, a drink of cold water, moving, a hug if they want one. Talk it through once they're calmer.
4.Give the worry a name and a size.
"Is this a 3 or an 8?" Some young people like to give their worry a character, like "the what-if monster". It helps them see the worry as something that happens to them, not who they are.
5.Worry time.
Agree a short slot each day, around 10 minutes and not near bedtime, where worries get written down or talked through. When a worry comes up at other times: "Save it for worry time." ADHD brains often like this because it gives the worry a container.
6.Small brave steps.
Pick one thing the worry is stopping, and break it into tiny steps, easiest first. Going into a party might start with driving past the house, then staying ten minutes with you nearby. Praise the bravery, not the result.
7.Step back slowly from the family routines built around the worry.
Pick one thing you do for them because of the anxiety. Tell them kindly what's changing and that you believe they can manage, then stick with it. One thing at a time, not everything at once.
8.Keep predictability high.
Visual plans for the week, talking through changes in advance, and a heads-up before transitions all take away some of the fog that ADHD worry feeds on.
9.Look after your own worry.
Anxious children often have anxious parents, and that is nobody's fault. Your calm is catching. You don't have to feel calm, just look calm enough, and get support for yourself too.
When it's more than everyday worry
Coaching can help with everyday worry and building confidence. It isn't treatment for an anxiety condition. Speak to your GP, or ask about CAMHS or your school's mental health support team, if your child:
- is avoiding school, friends or activities they used to enjoy, and it's getting worse
- has panic attacks, or physical symptoms most days
- isn't sleeping or eating properly because of worry
- has worries or rituals that take up a lot of their day
- seems hopeless, talks about harming themselves, or about not wanting to be here
If you're worried about their safety right now, call 999 or go to A&E. Young people can text SHOUT to 85258 at any time, and Childline is 0800 1111.
Talking therapies such as CBT have good evidence for anxiety in children and teenagers, and there are parent-led programmes too. Your GP or CAMHS can talk you through the options.
Things you could say to them
“This feels really big right now. It won't always feel this big.”
“I'm not going to make the worry disappear, but I'm right here while you do the hard thing.”
“Your brain is trying to protect you. It's just being a bit too loud.”
“You've done scary things before. Remember when...?”
“What's one tiny step we could try?”
“Worries are really good at guessing. They're not very good at being right.”
For the meltdown side of big feelings, read Big feelings.
You don't have to work this out alone
I work with young people and support parents who are trying to make sense of how their child's brain works, including the worry that so often comes with ADHD. I'm a coach, not a clinician, so I can't diagnose or treat anxiety. What I can do is help you understand what you're seeing and what might help at home.
If you're worried about your child's safety, wellbeing or mental health, please speak to your GP.
Abby Parkes ADHD Coaching & Support · adhdcoachingandsupport.co.uk