When it kicks off, you both
need a plan
In the heat of a meltdown there's no time to think. This is the plan you agree on beforehand - the same steps, every time - so you're not trying to decide what to do while it's happening.
Print it for the fridge. Same page, same approach, for everyone who looks after them.
It's almost never about the thing.
The lunchbox, the socks, the wrong cup - whatever set it off today usually isn't the real problem. Underneath is overwhelm, anxiety or sensory overload wearing a disguise. You can't fix the surface thing, because it isn't the thing.
The five steps
In order, every time. The point isn't to get it perfect - it's to have one plan you both reach for without thinking.
Notice it starting
They're escalating. You don't need to work out why right now - just clock that it's begun and shift into the plan.
Stop trying to fix it
Don't offer alternatives, don't explain why the reaction is over the top, don't reason. However calm and helpful you are, engaging adds fuel. There is nothing to solve mid-meltdown.
Give space, lower the temperature
Step back, soften your voice, drop the noise, clear the audience. Some children need you close, some need room - follow their lead. Less for their system to handle is the aim. If they could get hurt, stay close and quiet: remove the danger, not your presence.
Let a calmer person step in
If another adult - or a sibling - who hasn't been part of the moment can take over, let them. It isn't a snub to you. It's a sign the approach is working.
When it's over, it's over
Don't rehash it, don't ask them to talk it through, don't extract an apology. They know. Revisiting it restarts the cycle. Just carry on - normal life resumes.
What to hold in mind
The plan is easier to follow when you remember what's underneath it.
It's a disguise
The lunchbox, the socks, the wrong cup - that's rarely the real problem. Overwhelm, anxiety or sensory overload comes out as behaviour. Treat the state, not the surface story.
Your calm sets the tone
They borrow your nervous system. When you steady, they steady. When you escalate, so do they. You go first, every time.
Stepping back isn't giving in
Walking away calmly isn't losing. It removes the audience the meltdown feeds on, which is often exactly what lets it stop.
Mess can wait
If things get thrown, they can be picked up later. Nothing in the house is worth more than breaking the cycle.
It won't work every time
Some days are just hard. The goal is shorter, less frequent storms - not none at all. That still counts as it working.
The one thing to hold onto
The fact that you keep showing up on the hard days isn't nothing. It's everything - and you can't pour from an empty cup either.
When the storms feel relentless
Book a free 30-minute consultation - a calm, no-pressure chat about what's happening at home, what you're finding hardest, and how I can help you both.
Book your free consultationAbby Parkes ADHD Coaching & Support · adhdcoachingandsupport.co.uk