Ten ways to ask without
the fight
With a demand-avoidant child, how you ask can matter as much as what you're asking. The same request, framed differently, can be the difference between a meltdown and a yes.
Practical language swaps that lower the pressure and make cooperation more likely.
How you ask matters as much as what you ask.
These scripts won't work every time - nothing does. But they reduce the "demand feel" of a request, which lowers anxiety and makes cooperation more likely. Small changes in wording, real changes in how it lands.
The ten scripts
Try one at a time. Notice which ones land for your child, and lean on those.
Swap instructions for observations
Instead of:“Please tidy your room.”
Try:“Your room's looking pretty chaotic. I wonder if that's making it harder to relax in there.”
You're not telling them what to do, you're observing. They get to decide what to do with that information.
Use "I wonder..." to float ideas
Instead of:“Maybe eat something before we go.”
Try:“I wonder if you'd feel better with something in your stomach before we head out.”
"I wonder" removes the instruction entirely. It's a thought, not a demand.
Offer a choice, not a command
Instead of:“Please get in the car.”
Try:“Do you want to grab your bag first, or go straight to the car?”
Any choice gives back a sense of control. Even a small one helps.
Make it indirect
Instead of:“Why don't you put your shoes on?”
Try:“I think those shoes are waiting by the door…”
Especially useful with younger children. Slightly absurd, but it works.
Use "some people find..."
Instead of:“Could you start your homework.”
Try:“Some people find it easier to do the hard stuff first and then relax. Others need a break before they can settle. What works better for you?”
You're offering information, not an instruction. And you're treating them as someone with self-knowledge.
Narrate without directing
Instead of:“Please stop arguing and get ready.”
Try:“We need to leave in ten minutes. I'm going to grab my keys.”
State the situation, then do your bit. Leave space for them to respond in their own time.
Ask for help rather than compliance
Instead of:“Please could you set the table?”
Try:“Would you be able to help me with the table? I'm trying to get everything ready at once.”
Helping feels different to being told. It preserves dignity and autonomy.
Give advance notice
Instead of:“OK, please turn it off now, it's dinnertime.”
Try:“Dinner's in about ten minutes, so a good time to find a stopping point.”
Transitions are hard for demand-avoidant brains. A warning removes the shock of the demand and gives them time to prepare.
Make it collaborative
Instead of:“Please sort out your school bag?”
Try:“I feel like we're always scrambling in the mornings. Could we figure out together what might help?”
'We' instead of 'you'. Problem-solving together rather than directing.
Sometimes, say nothing
If the situation isn't urgent, consider whether it needs saying at all. Fewer demands means less resistance overall - a child who feels less controlled tends to cooperate more, not less. Saving your energy for the things that truly matter is a strategy, not a surrender.
Want to understand why these work? Read the guide to demand avoidance and PDA
A note on consistency
This isn't giving in
Low-demand approaches can feel counter-intuitive, like you're removing boundaries. But for a child with a demand-avoidance profile, reducing pressure isn't removing structure. It's finding a way to work with their nervous system rather than against it. These scripts are a starting point - over time, you'll find what works for your child specifically.
The one thing to hold onto
Fewer demands isn't less structure. It's working with their nervous system instead of against it.
When every request turns into a battle
Book a free 30-minute consultation - a calm, no-pressure chat about what's happening at home, what you're finding hardest, and how I can help.
Book your free consultationAbby Parkes ADHD Coaching & Support · adhdcoachingandsupport.co.uk