Tools to use · for teens

Friendship traffic light*

A tool for working out which friendships are giving you energy, which are taking it, and where to spend yours.

Fill it in on screen, or print it and work through it by hand.

Not all friendships are equal

Some lift you up. Some drain you. Some hurt.

If you have ADHD, you probably feel friendships more intensely than other people, and you might find yourself working really hard to keep friendships that don't actually feel good. That's not a flaw. It's a pattern worth noticing.

The traffic light gives you three categories. The point isn't to label people forever. It's to help you see where you're spending your energy, and decide if that's where you actually want it to go.

The three lights

Green light

These are the people who:

  • accept you as you are, full volume, weird bits included
  • you feel BETTER after spending time with
  • you don't have to mask or perform around
  • you can be quiet or loud with, and they're fine with both
  • get back in touch even when things have been quiet for a while
  • want good things for you

You don't have many. Most people don't. That's normal. Two or three green-light people is a real friendship circle.

Amber light

These are people who:

  • are OK sometimes but drain you other times
  • you find yourself watching what you say around
  • you can't quite trust fully, but you aren't sure why
  • you're a slightly different version of yourself with
  • might be fine in groups but harder one-on-one (or the other way round)

Amber-light friends aren't bad people. They're just not your people, or not yet, or not fully. Treat them with kindness. Don't pour green-light energy into them.

Red light

These are people who:

  • make you feel "too much" or "not enough"
  • you feel worse after seeing
  • are critical, dismissive, or make you the punchline
  • you keep around because you're scared of being alone
  • you mask hardest around
  • have hurt you and not really repaired it

You don't owe a red-light friend access to you. You can be polite. You can be civil. You don't have to be available.

Your answers stay on your phone

Anything you write here is saved on this device, in this browser, so you can come back to it later. It isn't sent to me or anyone else, and nobody else can see it. Just remember that anyone who uses your phone could open this page too. If you use a private or incognito window, or clear your browser history, your answers won't be kept.

1

Map your friendships

Use initials if you'd rather. This is just for you.

Green light (energising, easy to be myself, leave me feeling better)

Amber light(OK sometimes, but I mask, or I'm uncertain)

Red light(worse after, criticised, can't be myself)

2

What to do with each light

Green light: invest

  • Reach out first sometimes. Don't wait.
  • Tell them they matter to you. Out loud or in a message. They might not know.
  • Make plans, even small ones. A walk, a game, a chat after school.
  • When something good happens, tell them. When something bad happens, tell them too.

Amber light: hold steady

  • Be kind, but don't chase.
  • Don't share the deep stuff yet. Amber-light people haven't earned green-light access.
  • Notice if an amber-light friend is moving towards green or red. People shift.
  • It's OK to have amber-light friends. Most people you know will be amber.

Red light: protect yourself

  • You're allowed to step back. You don't need a big reason or a final conversation.
  • Reduce contact. Stop replying as quickly. Stop initiating.
  • If they ask, you can be honest: "I think we want different things from a friendship."
  • If they're cruel, you don't owe them an explanation at all.
If a friendship ever feels frightening or unsafe: you don't have to handle it on your own. Talk to a trusted adult, like a parent, carer or someone at school. You can also call Childline free on 0800 1111, any time.
3

This week

Pick one:

  • Reach out to a green-light friend with no agenda. Just hello.
  • Notice when you're masking with an amber-light friend. What does it cost you?
  • Reduce one specific bit of access a red-light friend has to you (replies, time, energy).
  • Ask yourself: which light gets the most of me right now? Is that where I want it?

What I noticed:

A few things worth knowing

  • Quick to bond does not equal healthy. ADHD brains often go all-in fast. Intensity feels like connection, but it isn't always. Slow friendships count too.
  • You're not too much for the right people. If you have to make yourself smaller, quieter, or less yourself to keep someone, they're not your green light. The right people don't ask you to shrink.
  • Friend count is not the metric. Three green-light friends will do more for you than thirty amber-light ones.
  • Lights change. A green-light friend can move to amber. An amber can move to green. A red can sometimes become an amber if they actually change. People shift. Re-map every now and then.
  • The goal isn't to cut everyone. It's to know what you're working with, so you can put your energy where it pays you back.

One last thing

The point of this tool is not to write people off. It's to stop spending green-light energy on red-light people, and to make sure your green lights know they're green lights.

If you work with a coach, bring your map to your next session if you want to talk it through.

* Adapted from Katelyn Mabry's friendship traffic-light framework, shared at the ADHD Teen Summit 2026.

When friendships feel hard

If friendships are taking a lot out of you, you don't have to work it out alone. Show this page to a parent or carer. They can get in touch and book a free call, and we'll talk about what might help.

This worksheet is one of many tools I use with the young people I coach. Each client gets their own toolkit, all designed for ADHD brains and all designed to work on their phone.

Get in touch