For parents who feel like they're constantly met with resistance, no matter how they ask.
If your child or teen resists requests that seem completely reasonable -getting dressed, starting homework, coming to dinner -and that resistance intensifies the more you push, you may be dealing with demand avoidance.
This isn't defiance. It isn't bad parenting. It's a pattern of behaviour rooted in how some ADHD (and autistic) brains experience the feeling of being told what to do.
Demand avoidance describes an automatic, anxiety-driven need to resist or avoid demands -even ones the person actually wants to do.
The key word is automatic. It's not a conscious choice. When a demand is perceived, the brain triggers a threat response before rational thinking has a chance to step in. The result can look like:
The more pressure applied, the stronger the resistance tends to become. This is the defining feature: pushing harder makes it worse.
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance (sometimes called Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). It describes a profile -most commonly seen in autistic people, but also present in some people with ADHD -where demand avoidance is the dominant feature of how someone experiences the world.
People with a PDA profile are often:
PDA is not a diagnosis you'll find in the standard diagnostic manuals. It's a profile, and one that isn't yet widely understood within the NHS or school systems. But for families where it fits, it fits immediately and completely.
For most children, being asked to do something feels neutral or even positive. For a child with a demand avoidance profile, even small requests can register as a threat to their autonomy -their ability to be in control of themselves and their own choices.
This isn't about being controlling or difficult. It's about a nervous system that is wired to experience being directed as fundamentally unsafe.
The maths looks like this: the more a child feels controlled, the more anxious they become. The more anxious they become, the more they resist. The more they resist, the more adults escalate. And the whole thing spirals.
Traditional behaviour management approaches -consequences, rewards charts, sanctions -tend not to work for children with demand avoidance profiles, and can actively make things worse. This isn't a failure of the child or the parent. It's a mismatch between the strategy and the need.
What tends to work is a low-demand approach:
Reduce the number of demands. Not forever, but as a starting point. The nervous system needs to feel safe before cooperation becomes possible.
Offer choices rather than instructions. "Do you want to start with maths or English?" feels different to "do your homework now."
Use indirect language. "I wonder if the shoes might want to be on feet before we leave" lands differently to "put your shoes on."
Remove the 'demand' feel. Frame things as suggestions, observations, or hypotheticals. "Some people find it easier to start with a snack first" vs. "eat something before you start."
Build connection before compliance. A child who feels safe and connected is more likely to cooperate. If the relationship is strained, start there.
Pick your battles hard. Some things genuinely don't matter. Save your energy for the ones that do.
Parenting a child with a demand avoidance profile is exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't lived it. You may feel like you're walking on eggshells. You may have tried everything. You may be questioning yourself constantly.
You're not doing it wrong. You're parenting a child whose nervous system works differently, in a world that wasn't designed for them. Getting support -for your child and for yourself -isn't giving up. It's the smartest thing you can do.
If you'd like support for your family, I offer a free 30-minute discovery call to explore what coaching could look like for your teen.